|Yesterday, April 26|
FILM GEEK DREAM COME TRUE TURNS INTO NIGHTMARE
Hairy here. Before I get to the distressing news... let me set the scene a
little here. I have been a HUGE fan of the comic book superhero FAST FORWARD
ever since... I learned to read after picking up one of Papa Dork's copy of the
seminal Silver Age issue #103 of FAST FEATURE COMICS. The sleek design of the
costume immediately sparked my imagination, and the thought of running "swifter
than swift!" captured my imagination faster than FAST FORWARD caught the
arch-villian BLOW DRIER!
So... imagine how excited I was when I heard genre director and alleged comic
fan STEVE SWERLIN himself would be directing the FAST FORWARD feature... I was
And, at first... everything seemed like it was going to be perfect. SWERLIN
seemed to be about to give us a comic book adaptation more faithful to the
source material than... any seen before! Early photos leaked revealed the
costume was absolutely the same as the iconic one we all remember from the
comic pages and the POWERFUL PALS cartoon. Sure... some fans grumbled that the
arrows on FF's chest were slightly larger than normal, but I say... these
people need to loosen up and realize that some changes (SOME changes)... are
inevitable when adapting a comic to film (besides, they looked the right
proportion to me).
Many of our favorite FAST FORWARD supporting characters were included in the
film's script... former police detective turned private eye DANNY DANSON, tough
investigate reporter and eventual FF love interest LEENA LESTER, even
occasional sidekick TIMMY "TWO SHOES" TODDS makes an appearance!
Hopefully... I have at least begun to convey how enthusiastic I was about this
project when I settled into the preview screening with my super-size soda,
jumbo popcorn, and little sandwich baggie full of carrots (see, your pal Hairy
is still on his health kick!).
At first... the movie was pure bliss, a gorgeous opening credits sequence, and
then straigt into action! FF zoomed across the screen in blurry glory, taking
down criminals with his super-speed and trademark quips, then the great origin
story began in flashback. The origin was faithfully retold with all the
elements at hand - the cougar, the particle accelerator, the tapioca - but you
already know the details. It was just how my imagination had always pictured
it based on the drawings of the imaginations of the men who drew the comics.
As the film progressed, though, something... was distracting me. It took me a
while to identify what the distraction was, but once I did... I could think of
nothing else. I hate to ruin this film in advance for those who haven't yet
seen it, but I'll spare you the pain by telling you now: THIS FILM PORTRAYS
FAST FORWARD AS BEING RIGHT HANDED!
Yup... it's true. I'm sorry to be the one to break it to everyone, but
SWERNLIN has definitaly let us down. He's blatantly disregarded DECADES of
comic book continuity in which FAST FORWARD has always been said to be LEFT
handed. This movie is an insult to every penny I have spent on FAST FORWARD
comics. How can I tranfer the emotions I felt for the LEFT HANDED FF to this
And he IS right-handed. They never come right out and say it, but this Fast
Forward imposter is clearly seen favoring his right hand on several
occasions... he even uses it as his throwing arm! As a
differently-dominant-handed American myself... and as a respecter of
continuity, I was not just let down... I was offended!
I hereby call on all readers of this site to BOYCOTT this FAST FORWARD FILM!
Don't see it! Return all the merchandise you bought before seeing it when you
expected to enjoy it! Say "NO" to right-handed audience pandering!
OUR VOICES MUST BE HEARD!