Uncool Rumors
Half Truths
Mmm, Pie

Week of 04/15
Week of 03/45
Week of 11/11

Yesterday, April 26


Hairy here. Before I get to the distressing news... let me set the scene a little here. I have been a HUGE fan of the comic book superhero FAST FORWARD ever since... I learned to read after picking up one of Papa Dork's copy of the seminal Silver Age issue #103 of FAST FEATURE COMICS. The sleek design of the costume immediately sparked my imagination, and the thought of running "swifter than swift!" captured my imagination faster than FAST FORWARD caught the arch-villian BLOW DRIER!

So... imagine how excited I was when I heard genre director and alleged comic fan STEVE SWERLIN himself would be directing the FAST FORWARD feature... I was thrilled!!!

And, at first... everything seemed like it was going to be perfect. SWERLIN seemed to be about to give us a comic book adaptation more faithful to the source material than... any seen before! Early photos leaked revealed the costume was absolutely the same as the iconic one we all remember from the comic pages and the POWERFUL PALS cartoon. Sure... some fans grumbled that the arrows on FF's chest were slightly larger than normal, but I say... these people need to loosen up and realize that some changes (SOME changes)... are inevitable when adapting a comic to film (besides, they looked the right proportion to me).

Many of our favorite FAST FORWARD supporting characters were included in the film's script... former police detective turned private eye DANNY DANSON, tough investigate reporter and eventual FF love interest LEENA LESTER, even occasional sidekick TIMMY "TWO SHOES" TODDS makes an appearance!

Hopefully... I have at least begun to convey how enthusiastic I was about this project when I settled into the preview screening with my super-size soda, jumbo popcorn, and little sandwich baggie full of carrots (see, your pal Hairy is still on his health kick!).

At first... the movie was pure bliss, a gorgeous opening credits sequence, and then straigt into action! FF zoomed across the screen in blurry glory, taking down criminals with his super-speed and trademark quips, then the great origin story began in flashback. The origin was faithfully retold with all the elements at hand - the cougar, the particle accelerator, the tapioca - but you already know the details. It was just how my imagination had always pictured it based on the drawings of the imaginations of the men who drew the comics.

As the film progressed, though, something... was distracting me. It took me a while to identify what the distraction was, but once I did... I could think of nothing else. I hate to ruin this film in advance for those who haven't yet seen it, but I'll spare you the pain by telling you now: THIS FILM PORTRAYS FAST FORWARD AS BEING RIGHT HANDED!

Yup... it's true. I'm sorry to be the one to break it to everyone, but SWERNLIN has definitaly let us down. He's blatantly disregarded DECADES of comic book continuity in which FAST FORWARD has always been said to be LEFT handed. This movie is an insult to every penny I have spent on FAST FORWARD comics. How can I tranfer the emotions I felt for the LEFT HANDED FF to this right-handed stranger!?

And he IS right-handed. They never come right out and say it, but this Fast Forward imposter is clearly seen favoring his right hand on several occasions... he even uses it as his throwing arm! As a differently-dominant-handed American myself... and as a respecter of continuity, I was not just let down... I was offended!

I hereby call on all readers of this site to BOYCOTT this FAST FORWARD FILM! Don't see it! Return all the merchandise you bought before seeing it when you expected to enjoy it! Say "NO" to right-handed audience pandering!


Click for previous story Talk Back More on this story Click for next story
This sux 2002-04-26 05:41:08
DUDE! LOOK! 2002-04-26 05:41:08
Better storyline 2002-04-26 05:41:08
Why am I still reading this site 2002-04-26 05:41:08
Norm sux 2! 2002-04-26 05:41:08
Better casting 2002-04-26 05:41:08
Burn Hollywood Burn! 2002-04-26 05:41:08
Fine 2002-04-26 05:41:08
Find Movie Memorabilia
Home | News | Coaxial News | Snacks | Ruined Endings | Inaccurate News | Bad Films | Harry's World | Sold Out | Where's the | Television Show?
Don't bother reporting broken links and other web problems to the Webmaster
This site is 2003 by Amalgamated Humor, Inc.