Amalgamated Humor's own Elf Employee, Jingles The Elf (once featured as our Disgruntled Employee of the Month), asked us if he could have any additional duties this year besides either being in the Christmas display or being locked in storage so we decided to let him answer some of your questions about his favorite subject - Christmas Carols. So here now are...

Dear Jingles,

I've heard a line from "Winter Wonderland" sometimes sung as "In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he's a Santa Clown." Are these people just mixing up the lyrics or is there really such a thing as a Santa Clown?

-Curious in Connecticut

Dear Curious,

There IS such thing as a Santa Clown. Or was, anyway. In the 1950s, a group of scientists were studying the phenomenon of children loving Santa Claus, but suddenly crying in terror when they actually met him. In their studies, they noticed the same thing happened with clowns. Theories get tossed around, the bar gets raised, a little genetic cross-breeding experimentation and BANG: They've created a monster, the Santa Clown. It destroyed an entire small town in Omaha before they sent in the air force to bomb it.

Scientists in the 50s were pretty whack. Will man never learn the price of hubris, Curious? Will man never learn?

candy hearts,
Jingles the Elf

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Dear Jingles,

In, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, the Whos sing:

"Welcome, Welcome,
Fah who rah-moose!
Welcome, Welcome,
Dah who dah-moose!
Christmas day is in our grasp,
So long as we have hands to clasp."

Does this mean the Grinch could've successfully stopped Christmas if he had cut all of the Who's hands?

Bartholomew Cubbins

Dear Bart,

I'm going to make a recommendation about what you might want to ask Santa to bring you this year: stronger medication.

Jingles the Elf

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Dear Jingles,

I've always been perplexed by the line in "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" that says "There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago."

Uh... what? Who's telling scary ghost stories at Christmas?

Timothy Nobert

Dear Timothy,

I'll admit, I'm not exactly sure what that line refers to either. It could mean "A Christmas Carol," though "scary ghost story" doesn't exactly fully describer it. Maybe they mean those dark rumors of Santa Clown's Ghost that sometimes feasts on the souls of the unwary on Christmas eve. Really, though, I think we can all agree that the real time for "scary ghost stories" has got to be Easter, when the ghost of Jesus rises from the tomb and goes "woooOOOOooOOoOOOOOoo, I have hiiiiiiidden your eeeeeeegs" or something. Look, I'm a Christmas expert, so I'm not totally clear on the Easter thing.

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Dear Jingles,

In the song "We Wish You A Merry Christmas," the carolers demand, in one verse, to be served some "figgy pudding." They even say that they won't go until they get some. In case I ever find a group of carolers on my lawn who really won't go until they get some, I need to know what figgy pudding is!

- Worried in Wisconsin

Dear Worried,

Figgy pudding is really great stuff! It's dried figs mixed with lemon, brown sugar, and suet! In pudding form! Mmm, mmm! Figgy pudding. Figgy pudding is a traditional holiday dessert that I've noticed isn't served much anymore outside of the North Pole. Man, I kind of miss it!

I have managed to track down some figgy pudding once or twice since Santa sold me to Amalgamated Humor, and it's been OK, but it's nothing compared to the figgy pudding that Mrs. Claus used to make up at the North Pole. Sweet Jesus, it was like mainlining Christmas spirit! I'm getting a little fidgety just thinking about it. Man, I want some now! I need it. God, I'd murder a hobo with a claw hammer right now if it would get me some figgy pudding! Here come the shakes!

OK, I need a minute here...

Jingles the Elf

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Dear Jingles,

In "Happy Christmas" John Lennon sang, "War is over, if you want it." How did that work out?

- Wondering in Winter

Dear Wondering,

Apparently, you didn't want it.

Jingles the Elf

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