Frequently Asked Questions

The loyal readers of Cap'n Wacky's Boatload of Fun are nothing if not inquisitive (including loyal). In an effort to help slow the tide of repeated questions we receive, we have compiled this list of Frequently Asked Questions, and then (and this is the clever part) supplied them with answers.

Q: What the Hell is this?
A: Assuming, that by "this" you mean Cap'n Wacky's Boatload of Fun and not some random foreign object you've found in your hand, this is a humor website. It is intended to amuse you and distract you from the emptiness and frustration we assume you endure in your shallow and unfullfilling life. If, by "this" you do mean some random foreign object you've found in your hand, we're sorry, but we can't see it.

Q: Would you like our reasonably-priced business to get you listed at the top of every search engine for just a small fee?
A: No.

Q: Is this for real?
A: No, you are dreaming. That's why the lemurs are dancing on the liferaft.

Q: Who is Cap'n Wacky?
A: Your friend and comedy pal who never judges, not even when you're swilling gin and watching 'Sailor Moon' with slightly untoward thoughts at 2 AM. Also, a little cartoon sailor man. But sometimes not.

Q: What would I have to do to win a dream date with Amalgamated Humor Vice President of Public Relations Gary Newbrunswick?
A: Sorry, there will be no Win a Dream Date With Gary Newbrunswick contest. Through a combination of years of sycophantic behavior and questionable morals required by his job plus a divorce that made Manuel Noriega's face look smooth by comparison, Gary is emotionally broken. You don't want to date him.

Q: What about Amalgamated Humor Co-President Brodie H. Brockie?
A: Mr. Brockie fields dozens of marriage proposals e-mailed to him via this site on a daily basis. To thin the herd a bit, he has given us a list of criteria that potential Mrs. Brockies must meet before being considered further. They are:
1. Must be able to distinguish fantasy and reality, and always willing to point out which is which.
2. Must not be distracted by Hostess Fruit Pies during attempts to take over the world - no matter how moist the Real Fruit Filling looks.
3. Swell gams.
4. Must not mind lots of archaic slang, especially in reference to her swell gams.
5. Must constantly wear stylish lavender-tinted spectacles.
6. Must be willing to sing sad Scottish lullabies in authentic-sounding accent for as long as it takes until husband finally falls asleep.
7. Must not mind possibility of children being born with hideously malformed hands. Also, possible gills.
8. Must not object to husband being kind of a geek.
9. Must have fairly broad idea of what "kind of" a geek means. UPDATE: Sorry, ladies. Offer rescinded. Mr. Brockie now married.

Q: What about the other President? R.J. White?
A: Mr. White is a robot. And also married.

Q: Speaking of robots, what was the name of the robot on Lost In Space?
A: Nothing. They just called him robot.

Q: Wasn't he named after a planet or something?
A: No, you're thinking of the ship, the Jupiter II.

Q: Wait - they named the ship, but not the robot?
A: Yes. It seems odd and somehow vaguely cruel to us too. Almost as bad as when Chewie got stiffed on getting a medal at the end of Star Wars.

Q: How do you solve a problem like Maria?
A: Marry her off to a rich guy and give her lots of children to keep her occupied.

Q: Why did you stop giving tours of the Amalgamated Humor Factory?
A: These tours were very popular for years and years. Often Mr. Brockie himself would conduct the tours, wearing his favorite top hat. Mr White would sometimes contact children who would be going on the tours and try to persuade them to steal company secrets, just to test their loyalty. However, these tours had to be stopped since studies indicated they distracted workers from responsibilities and slowed production. This is the real reason, and not because of the ridiculous urban legends regarding children drowning, becoming bloated purple balls, or being canabalized by our genetically-engineered, orange-faced midget workers.

Q: Are there career opportunities with Amalgamated Humor?
A: Are there career opportunities? That's like asking if Mr. Brockie and Mr. White have women throwing themselves at their feet. In other words, the answer is a sorrowful but firm "No."

Q: Isn't it about time you guys went belly-up like all the other dotcoms?
A: Unlike other websites, Cap'n Wacky's Boatload of Fun has the tremendous resources of Amalgamated Humor behind it. We don't just make web-based humor, our product line is diversified with whoopee cushions, joy buzzers, novelty fortune cookies with dirty phrases inside, exploding yard gnomes, slippery pants, Zonar puppets, and sealcoating.

Q: But what about the children? Someone please consider the children.
A: Screw the children.

Q: But I'm very worried about Cap'n Wacky going away. It's there some way I could get money to you?
A: Well, if you're that determined you could buy something from our online store, or just send in massive donations.

Q: You guys suck.
A: That isn't a question.

Q: Do you guys have any idea how much you suck?
A: Yes.