Frequently Asked Questions
The loyal readers of Cap'n Wacky's Boatload of Fun are nothing if not
inquisitive (including loyal). In an effort to help slow the tide of
repeated questions we receive, we have compiled this list of Frequently
Asked Questions, and then (and this is the clever part) supplied them with
Q: What the Hell is this?
A: Assuming, that by "this" you mean Cap'n Wacky's Boatload of Fun and not
some random foreign object you've found in your hand, this is a humor
website. It is intended to amuse you and distract you from the emptiness
and frustration we assume you endure in your shallow and unfullfilling life.
If, by "this" you do mean some random foreign object you've found in your
hand, we're sorry, but we can't see it.
Q: Would you like our reasonably-priced business to get you listed at the
top of every search engine for just a small fee?
Q: Is this for real?
A: No, you are dreaming. That's why the lemurs are dancing on the liferaft.
Q: Who is Cap'n Wacky?
A: Your friend and comedy pal who never judges, not even when you're
swilling gin and watching 'Sailor Moon' with slightly untoward thoughts at 2
AM. Also, a little cartoon sailor man. But sometimes not.
Q: What would I have to do to win a dream date with Amalgamated Humor Vice
President of Public Relations Gary Newbrunswick?
A: Sorry, there will be no Win a Dream Date With Gary Newbrunswick contest.
Through a combination of years of sycophantic behavior and questionable
morals required by his job plus a divorce that made Manuel Noriega's face
look smooth by comparison, Gary is emotionally broken. You don't want to
Q: What about Amalgamated Humor Co-President Brodie H. Brockie?
A: Mr. Brockie fields dozens of marriage proposals e-mailed to him via this
site on a daily basis. To thin the herd a bit, he has given us a list of
criteria that potential Mrs. Brockies must meet before being considered
further. They are:
1. Must be able to distinguish fantasy and reality, and always willing to
point out which is which.
2. Must not be distracted by Hostess Fruit Pies during attempts to take over
the world - no matter how moist the Real Fruit Filling looks.
3. Swell gams.
4. Must not mind lots of archaic slang, especially in reference to her swell
5. Must constantly wear stylish lavender-tinted spectacles.
6. Must be willing to sing sad Scottish lullabies in authentic-sounding
accent for as long as it takes until husband finally falls asleep.
7. Must not mind possibility of children being born with hideously malformed
hands. Also, possible gills.
8. Must not object to husband being kind of a geek.
9. Must have fairly broad idea of what "kind of" a geek means.
UPDATE: Sorry, ladies. Offer rescinded. Mr. Brockie now married.
Q: What about the other President? R.J. White?
A: Mr. White is a robot. And also married.
Q: Speaking of robots, what was the name of the robot on Lost In Space?
A: Nothing. They just called him robot.
Q: Wasn't he named after a planet or something?
A: No, you're thinking of the ship, the Jupiter II.
Q: Wait - they named the ship, but not the robot?
A: Yes. It seems odd and somehow vaguely cruel to us too. Almost as bad as
when Chewie got stiffed on getting a medal at the end of Star Wars.
Q: How do you solve a problem like Maria?
A: Marry her off to a rich guy and give her lots of children to keep her
Q: Why did you stop giving tours of the Amalgamated Humor Factory?
A: These tours were very popular for years and years. Often Mr. Brockie
himself would conduct the tours, wearing his favorite top hat. Mr White
would sometimes contact children who would be going on the tours and try to
persuade them to steal company secrets, just to test their loyalty.
However, these tours had to be stopped since studies indicated they
distracted workers from responsibilities and slowed production. This is the
real reason, and not because of the ridiculous urban legends regarding
children drowning, becoming bloated purple balls, or being canabalized by
our genetically-engineered, orange-faced midget workers.
Q: Are there career opportunities with Amalgamated Humor?
A: Are there career opportunities? That's like asking if Mr. Brockie and Mr.
White have women throwing themselves at their feet. In other words, the
answer is a sorrowful but firm "No."
Q: Isn't it about time you guys went belly-up like all the other dotcoms?
A: Unlike other websites, Cap'n Wacky's Boatload of Fun has the tremendous
resources of Amalgamated Humor behind it. We don't just make web-based
humor, our product line is diversified with whoopee cushions, joy buzzers,
novelty fortune cookies with dirty phrases inside, exploding yard gnomes,
slippery pants, Zonar puppets, and sealcoating.
Q: But what about the children? Someone please consider the children.
A: Screw the children.
Q: But I'm very worried about Cap'n Wacky going away. It's there some way I
could get money to you?
A: Well, if you're that determined you could buy something from our online
store, or just send in massive donations.
Q: You guys suck.
A: That isn't a question.
Q: Do you guys have any idea how much you suck?