Ready to be more awesome? We have another new helpful HOW TO essay entitled “HOW TO quit smoking.” It’s about quitting smoking and how to do it. Clarity in nomenclature. Check it out, along with the rest of our HOW TO articles here!

ALSO: the Fourth of July is coming up! Make your friends’ Independence Day independently hilarious by telling them to Cap’n Wacky’s Boatload of Patriotic Enthusiasm!

ALSO: You did something different with your hair, didn’t you? No? Well, something looks just great today. Whatever you’re doing, keep it up!

The only revisitation of the A-Team you really need, return to our first collaborative list: Other Ways to Trick B.A. Barracus Onto An Airplane.

It’s Memorial Day weekend. Summer is finally here, which means there must be some fun movies to watch in the theaters now, right? Zonar lets us know why he’s not watching Robin Hood, Shrek 4, Letters to Juliet, Prince of Persia, and keep scrolling to yesterday’s post for a special all Sex in the City 2: The Four Whorseman of the Apocalypse post.

Yikes. Well at leat you can re-watch The Empire Strikes Back, which turned 30 this week. What more excuse is needed to post the link to Cap’n Wacky’s Death Star of Fun again?

I wouldn’t have expected a list called Ways to Ask Your Barber to Cut Your Hair Like Justin Beiber’s to have two Star Trek references in it, but there they are. Sometimes you surprise yourself like that.

Anyway: BIEBER!

Zonar is back to explain - in condescending detail - why he has no intention of seeing Furry Vengeance, Nightmare of Elm Street, and Iron Man 2.

Oh, that Iron Man. He always has such snazzy costumes, doesn’t he? You know who doesn’t? Our old friends in The Parade of Unfortunate Superhero Costumes.

New video on The Wacky Channel: Mapples - the latest gag product from the folks at Amalgamated Humor, Inc.! Fool your friends with one of these novelty treats that looks like a shiny apple on the outside and… well, you’ll see the rest.

PLUS: Buy Mapples shirts and more here OR shirts and more of the OTHER product mentioned at the end of the video here.

Well, apparently Earth Day is not when we thought it was: It’s actually NEXT week, April 22. So when we posted about it last week, we weren’t just early, we were SUPER early. But who can blame us, really? They’ve been filling the stores with Earth Day decorations since February. Anyway, our Earth Day site is still there for you to enjoy.

But here’s what’s NEW this week: our belligerent beblogging space alien, Zonar the Superion, has his take on new Earth inventions: KFC’s new Double Down deathwich and the hooded sandal.

Earth Day is right around the corner? Where does the time go? I hope you have all your Earth Day shopping done already. Here’s Cap’n Wacky’s Boatload of Ecological Awareness with 100% recycled jokes - EVEN THAT ONE! Hear Erin Murray’s musical tribute to endangered species, learn about the Sharp Car (the car so green in makes the smart car look kind of aqua-marine), let David Andrews give you a tour of Earth World, and read a list of things we’re looking forward to when the polar ice caps melt.

Please enjoy our very old Easter section that we probably ought to update one of those years. The Cap’n doesn’t even look like that anymore! Man, talk about something that needs to die and be reborn three days later.

Zonar has not stopped hating movies. This week he reviews three new movies he has no intention of seeing: “Alice in Wonderland,” “How to Tame Your Dragon,” and “Shutter Island.”

Also, in honor of Zonar’s fallen friend, why not go back to this page from 2001, scroll about half-way down, and revisit the time Merlin Olsen filled in answering Zonar’s advice column questions for him. This was back when people used to write Zonar and asked for advice. Like YOU still could. Yes, YOU. Write to zonar@capnwacky.com.

And here’s to you, Merlin. I hope you found those magic powers waiting for you in the sky, or at least a nice bouquet from FTD.