Pointers for cooking your Turkey

There are lots of ways to prepare a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, but for some reason, everybody roasts them. We're all a big bunch of roasting babies following the mother roaster into the roasting pond. There are several alternative methods that should be considered before you toss them aside and just roast away like you've been programmed to do, you goddamn roasting robot.

One of the options that has been gaining some popularity in recent years is deep frying the Thanksgiving turkey. Seriously. See, turkey is one of the healthiest options among the meat family, so it's only natural that as Americans we would do whatever we can to make this relatively healthy food much worse for us. Why not just loop some onion rings over the drumsticks while you're at it, Deluise?

Other less-traditional options include: grilling, broiling, broasting, bloating, brazing, bowling, soldering, sauna-ing, and pestering.


Once you've discarded those choices and selected roasting, consider at least marinating the turkey first. The best thing about marinating the turkey is, if the right "sauce" is selected, you can get nicely marinated yourself while you do it. God knows Thanksgiving dinner is always a lot easier for me to get through if I'm a little marinated.

Marinades can be applied by poking holes all over the turkey with a fork and then pouring the liquid over it. Superior to this, however, is actually injecting the marinade into the bird with a syringe. These can be purchased, but it's also easy to get them for free by telling your local health department that you're an intravenous drug user who will share needles with others if you aren't supplied with free samples. Make the government work FOR you for a damn change.


While Grandma's recipe has served the family well for decades, it's always a nice surprise to try out something new as a stuffing in your turkey. Possibilities include: flavored rice, salmon, anchovies, Skittles, ice cream, Jell-o, Big Macs, or springy snakes.


Now, you are ready to roast your bird. First, pre-heat your oven to 170 degrees, then place the turkey inside. Timing is very important in roasting the turkey. Always leave the turkey in until everyone is so damn hungry that they look at each other, rub their eyes, and then hallucinate giant turkeys wearing their relative's clothing. Also, never take out the turkey until at least one relative is good and soused (preferably yourself).

Next: Carving