Excerpts from "Memoirs of a Lizard Monkey"

by Salacious B. Crumb.
As told to Justin Vidovic

When we would fight, my little brother used to say that our parents weren't my real mom and dad. That I was just an ugly stinky lizard monkey they found in a card board box and adopted. I hated him then. But deep down, I guess I knew he was telling the truth. And I was sort of grateful to him for that. Years later, of course, I gnawed out his eyes.

The kids at school used to say that my mom was so ugly that the only monkey that would have sex with her was a lizard. At that time I didn't KNOW my real mom was a monkey. A really UGLY monkey. So their insults made no sense to me, and I would just laugh along. I thought I went to school with a bunch of dada-ists. Even then, my throughough knowledge of Western art set me apart from the other kids.

But looking back now, I realize that Dada-ism itself became a protective lense through which to view a world that made no sense to me. If I could appreciate the juxtaposition of misplaced objects as artistic, as a mode of beauty, then I could appreciate, enjoy, even laugh at... the chaos and misery that I saw around me. That I felt INSIDE me. I guess eventually I took this too far. But it definitely helped in grade school! "Oh yeah!?" I'd yell back, getting into the game, "Well your daddy kitchen sink ya ya bow tie. Ha ha ha ha." :) I STILL think that's funny.


"Hey Sally."

"Hi, Salacious."

"Knock knock."

"Jesus, Salacious."

"Knock knock."

"Fine.... Who's there?"


"Grape who?"

"Grape apple. HA HA HA HA HA! Do you want to go to prom?"

So... Sally went to prom with the captain of the football team. But I think she only went with him out of pity. On account of the way his eyes got eaten out with spoons.


4 years of undergrad. 6 years of law school. And my career as a trial lawyer ended the moment it began. The new suit that my sister made for me didn't even seem to matter. I walked into the courtroom and nobody saw Salacious B. Crumb, attorney at law. They saw the same thing my brother had seen. The same thing Sally saw. Their stupid lying eyes could only show them the surface. Not my mind. My heart. My talent. They only saw a stupid stinky lizard monkey made even more ridiculous cause he had a tiny little suit on. After that, I stopped wearing clothes altogether.


My sister came over and I obviously hadn't gotten out of bed in days. You need a job, Salacious, she said. You need a reason to get up in the morning. I'd HAD a job. A job that should have given me respect. When she showed me the ad for "Court Jester," I was mostly being sarcastic when I got up and went to the phone and scheduled an interview. "Fine, sis. Sure. Why not. Who needs a law degree. I'll be a court jester. That's all I'm good for I guess. Stupid disgusting lizard monkey."

She looked at me then with tears in those beautiful eyes of hers. And she said so softly. So sincerely. "You always make me laugh, Salacious. I think you're...really funny. Sometimes when I'm sad I just think of things you say and they always cheer me up. I just saw the ad and...I thought of you... and.... "

I said something mean to her then. And she left.

I didn't see her again after that.

But I went to the interview.


The funny thing about Jaba the Hutt was...

Oh my gawd, what WASN'T funny about Jabba the Hutt. He was this gigantic pile of disgusting slime that couldn't even speak any language *I* could recognize. Maybe he was trying, but it just sounded like baby talk to me. "Oh jee ba wa de wee da jedi..." heh heh heh.

If nothing else made me feel comfortable at Jabba's though... there WAS the fact that Jabba was even grosser than I felt. I mean he had to chain women UP to get them to even stay in the same room. But that fact didn't even seem to bother him. And people respected Jabba the Hutt. They didn't like Jabba the Hutt. They didn't laugh at Jabba the Hutt. (that was my job) But they respected him. And I guess I hung around because I thought maybe I could learn something about that from him. And I think maybe he kept ME there cause... we understood something about one another. Something other people didn't get. Well, that and the fact that I'm effing hilarious. :) Toe nail clippers! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!