Hand, solo

By Luke's Right Hand
as told via sign-language to Justin Vidovic

You probably already know the story of the REST of Luke. The rest of Luke went on to accomplish great things and bring peace and order to the universe. Sort of like a band that ditched its drummer and then finally made the big time. Who's that guy the Beatles had before Ringo? That's me. Except I got replaced by a stinkin Robot Ringo. And then I gotta sit on an arm rest in the theater and see Robot Hand get WAY more film footage then *I* ever got.

People have made the argument to me that my amputation was an important symbolic moment in the movie. Integral. That a hand NEEDED to be lost. Leaving aside for a moment the fact that Luke could have lost a FOOT (or his ass. That would have been cool).... there's still the fact that Luke had TWO hands and why Lucas decided that *I* was the one who needed to be hacked off, I'll never know. I've wracked my brain trying to think how I offended him or in what way the other hand was a better actor than me. I mean, I'm no Marlon Brando's hand... but let's face it, what part of Mark Hammil WAS?

Anyway, after I got cut off, and fell into that big pit, I caught a hold of that wire thingy and climbed back up and lived in Cloud City for a bit.

Eventually I figured... hey... I should complete my training. The force WAS strong with the rest of Luke AFTER all, why not with me? But apparantly all my midichlorians leaked out my ass when I got chopped off.

So things were tough for a while. Then one day I met the top half of Darth Maul. We found out that if we put his torso on top of my wrist, and I danced around on my finger tips, we were mobile... and scary. Now I have a sense of completeness I haven't had in years, AND... my acting career is back on track. Me and Darth Maul's top half are making a little film about how "Luke's Hand and Darth Maul's Top Half" get revenge against George Lucas. Lot of really creepy scenes where George Lucas is sleeping in his bed as the two of us slowly and precariously scuttle around his room. Lots of stylized camera work, too. We call it Revenge of the Maulled. Go see it. Or we'll creep in your room at night and walk all over your head.