We asked our regular movie reviewer, alien life form Zonar the Superion, to
write up reviews of several classic horror movies for the Boatload of Evil.
So, he did, though he has not actually seen any of these movies.
BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN
This time, instead of creating a monster-man by re-animating the flesh of
the deceased, Dr. Frankenstein falls in love and decides to get married. He
finds out the hard way that a woman with a wedding on her mind is even
harder to control than a nine-foot green man with bolts in his neck. Watch
Dr. Frankenstein shudder with frustration as his fiancÚ wracks up bills from
photographers, caterers, florists, etc. Looks like the good doctor didn't
learn his lesson the first time, because he eventually tries to regain
control of his own wedding - now THAT'S hubris!
Giant ants? Really? I think maybe it would've been scarier had it been
giant aunts. "I beg you, Aunt Gladys, don't pinch my cheek! Your
enormous fingers will crush my head! No! ARRRRRrrrrrrrrrhhggg!"
Mike Myers is the killer in this? He looked scarier in that ridiculous The
Cat in the Hat makeup than he looks in this thing. The most frightening
thing about Mike Myers is that you zombies keep shelling out your wages to
see his Austin Powers tripe reheated every other summer.
VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED
Oooh! A movie about children taking over society. Turn on the TV, folks.
Listen to your popular music. Take a look around and try to tell me if you
would honestly notice any real difference. Is Hillary Duff famous? Well
then, they've already won.
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
And the most frightening word in the title is "Texas."