We asked our regular movie reviewer, alien life form Zonar the Superion, to write up reviews of several classic horror movies for the Boatload of Evil. So, he did, though he has not actually seen any of these movies.

BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN

This time, instead of creating a monster-man by re-animating the flesh of the deceased, Dr. Frankenstein falls in love and decides to get married. He finds out the hard way that a woman with a wedding on her mind is even harder to control than a nine-foot green man with bolts in his neck. Watch Dr. Frankenstein shudder with frustration as his fiancÚ wracks up bills from photographers, caterers, florists, etc. Looks like the good doctor didn't learn his lesson the first time, because he eventually tries to regain control of his own wedding - now THAT'S hubris!

THEM!

Giant ants? Really? I think maybe it would've been scarier had it been giant aunts. "I beg you, Aunt Gladys, don't pinch my cheek! Your enormous fingers will crush my head! No! ARRRRRrrrrrrrrrhhggg!"

HALLOWEEN

Mike Myers is the killer in this? He looked scarier in that ridiculous The Cat in the Hat makeup than he looks in this thing. The most frightening thing about Mike Myers is that you zombies keep shelling out your wages to see his Austin Powers tripe reheated every other summer.

VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED

Oooh! A movie about children taking over society. Turn on the TV, folks. Listen to your popular music. Take a look around and try to tell me if you would honestly notice any real difference. Is Hillary Duff famous? Well then, they've already won.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

And the most frightening word in the title is "Texas."