A Spooky Haunted Tale for Hallowe'en Time

Amalgamated Humor is proud to re-print "Cap'n Wacky and the Ghost Ship," a Halloween story that originally appeared in "Swell!" magazine in 1956. The classic originally ran in three parts in and was later collected in a nice hardback book. If you still have a copy from your childhood days, some idiot Cap'n Wacky collector might shell out as much as $75 to buy it from you on eGad.

"It's getting awfully dark, Kurt" Anna said, gripping her boyfriend's hand tightly. "I thought we just came down here to watch the sunset.

"We did," Kurt answered.

"Well, It's set now," Anna pointed out. "Shouldn't we be going?"

Anna enjoyed coming down to the docks during daylight, but at night they seemed an entirely different place - a spooky place.

"So soon?" Kurt asked, his shoulders drooping. "I was hoping I might..." he paused, nervous to even say it.

"What?" asked Anna, her thick eyelashes blinked twice in quick succession.

"Kiss you," Kurt blurted out suddenly. There, he'd said it.

"On the tenth date? That's a little too fast for me," Anna said.

"Sorry, Anna," said Kurt. "I guess, deep down, I'm glad you're not that kind of a girl. It's just that you're so gosh darn pretty."

He had a point there. "Well, that's true," Anna said. "So I'll forgive you."

"Gee thanks," said Kurt.

The happy teens stood gazing into each other's eyes for several seconds.

"Well..." said Anna.

"Hmmm?" hummed Kurt.

"So are we going, then?" Anna asked.

"Oh, right, sure," Kurt said.

And as they turned to walk off the docks, they were both knocked unconscious by a blow to the backs of their heads.

* * *

The next thing Kurt saw were several points of light floating around in his field of view.

"I'm seeing spots!" he thought to himself. He soon realized, however, that these spots were the stars. He was laying flat on his back... but why were they moving? Kurt stood up to look around and the reason became shockingly clear: he was out to sea!

With only the faint light of an orange moon to see by, Kurt couldn't make out much, but it was clear he was on a large, wooden sailing vessel. How far from land they were or how long they'd been adrift, he couldn't say.

Anna! Kurt suddenly realized he didn't know where his girlfriend was. He looked down and was glad to see she had been laying on the deck right next to him. Even unconscious, she was the picture of loveliness. He thought, for just a moment, of kissing her hand while she slept. But no, a gentleman would do no such thing.

Kurt knelt down and patted his sweetheart's hand. "Anna," he called softly. "Wake up."

Anna woke up slowly and Kurt explained what little he had discovered of their situation.

"Oh, Kurt," Anna cried, placing the back of her left hand to her forehead. "It's just awful."

Who could it be, approaching Kurt and Anna from the darkness?

"I know," Kurt said. "But you'll be all right. I promise."

Just as this assertion began to ease Anna's worry, a harsh sound broke the quiet of the night. It was the voice of a man.

"Argh! Who goes there?" the voice bellowed.

Kurt and Anna were struck dumb with fear. A dark silhouette of a large man was lumbering across the deck toward them.

"Well, who be ye? Speak up!" the man yelled.

Anna was just about to scream out in terror when the man stepped close enough to be recognized. It was Cap'n Wacky, beloved corporate spokesman for Amalgamated Humor, Inc. and hero to millions. They both knew him immediately because they enjoyed the many quality products that bore his likeness. From T-shirts to lunch boxes to sandblasters, you know it's quality if you see the Cap'n on the label.

"Oh, Cap'n Wacky, am I glad to see you," Anna sighed.

"Me too!" said Kurt. "I love your fish-flavored chips!"

Why, it's Cap'n Wacky!

"Fish 'n' chips in one!" The Cap'n laughed. "Who wouldn't? But I must ask what brings ye here. Are ye stow-aways?"

"No, Cap'n," Kurt assured him. "We were just on the docks and the next thing we knew, we woke up here on your ship."

"Oh, this ship we be on tisn't mine," the Cap'n said. "There's something wrong with this ship an' I been hired to find out what."

"What do you think it is?" Kurt asked. "The rudder? The sails?"

"No," the Cap'n said, his normally-jovial face turning grim. "It's nothing like that. This ship be HAUNTED!"

"Haunted?" gasped Anna, nearly fainting again.

"Gosh, Cap'n Wacky, I wouldn't have thought such a level-headed corporate mascot as yourself would believe in ghosts," said Kurt.

"I been around a long time, son," said Cap'n Wacky, taking a long puff on his pipe. "I seen a lot of strange things. Let me tell you a story."

And this is the story he told them:

The jovial visage of the Cap'n met Anna's gaze.

NOTE: The next portion of the story may not be reprinted here. It is mostly a plagiarized version of "The Phantom of the Opera" with the Cap'n replacing that story's hero with himself. Somehow our lawyers didn't catch it before.

"Wow," said Kurt. "That's the scariest story I've ever heard."

"I've never heard anything like it," said Anna.

"Right, no one has," said Cap'n Wacky, his eyes darting back and forth nervously. "Let's change the subject."

"Do you know how we got on this ship?" Kurt asked. "Last I knew, my girlfriend and I were on the docks, and the next thing we knew we woke up on this boat!"

Kurt paused a moment. "It is all right that I call you my girlfriend, isn't it, Anna?"

"Oh, Kurt!" Anna swooned. "I've never heard you say it before."

"I never had the guts to, sweetheart, it just slipped out," explained Kurt.

"Oh, Kurt!" Anna swooned again.

"ANYway," Cap'n Wacky interrupted loudly, narrowly avoiding his first case of sea sickness. "How ye got aboard 'tis a mystery, to be sure. I wish I could take ye back, but now that you're on board, you'll have to wait until I solve the mystery of this Ghost Ship."

"Gosh, Cap'n Wacky," said Kurt. "We'd do anything to help the man on every can of Cap'n Wacky Tuna and Dolphin Delight. Is there anything we can do?"

"I was hoping we might ask that," said Cap'n Wacky. His eyes narrowed mysteriously, he leaned in close to Kurt and Anna, and said in a low voice, "There certainly is."

"You know," said Kurt. "When I told Cap'n Wacky we were willing to help out I didn't really mean I wanted to peel potatoes."

"Well you offered for me," said Anna, hanging a shirt on a line. "And I still got stuck doing laundry."

"I suppose we should be happy doing anything we can to help such a respected corporate mascot as Cap'n Wacky."

"Right," agreed Anna. "His hit single, 'Rock Around the Boat' is the most!"

"It sure is," said Kurt. "Any teen who doesn't buy the single is a square."

Suddenly, Anna's stoic exterior dissolved to reveal her true womanly emotions as she fell sobbing on her beau.

"Oh, Kurt," she cried. "How are we going to get back to shore? Is this ship really haunted? What will we do?"

"Don't get hysterical," Kurt replied. "Cap'n Wacky will take care of us."

That very moment, as if to refute his comment, Kurt and Anna saw the ghost of the ship at last.

* * *

"Cap'n Wacky! Cap'n Wacky!" yelled Kurt as he and Anna raced across the

deck toward the beloved sailor.

"What is it?" asked the Cap'n. "Ye look mighty afeared!"

"We are!" said Anna. "We just saw the Ghost in the decks below!"

"Egad!" bellowed Cap'n Wacky. "What did it look like?"

"Well," said Kurt. "It kind of looked the way someone would look if they draped an old sail over their head and cut a couple holes out for their eyes."

"It was really spooky," added Anna.

"And what did it sound like?" Cap'n Wacky asked.

"OOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOOoooooo!"

"That was a good imitation, Anna," Kurt said.

"It wasn't me. I thought it was you," his sweety responded.

"It wasn't me," said Kurt, not recognizing the clichˇ.

"OOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOOOOOooooo," came the mournful moaning again. Kurt and Anna turned to see that the ghost had followed them up to the main deck and was coming right toward them!

"Run!" yelled Cap'n Wacky.

The three of them turned and ran from the spectre, but it quickly followed. Soon, they found themselves at the boat's edge with no more room to run.

"Swim for the shore!" Cap'n Wacky yelled, pointing into the darkness, it's that way! I'll stay and try to fend off the ghost."

"What?" shrieked Anna in terror. "It'll RUIN my sweater!"

"It's either that or let the ghost get you," Kurt pointed out.

Anna rubbed her chin, weighing her options.

The ghost floated closer.

"Oh all right," said Anna.

"Swim for the shore!... I'll stay and try to fend off the ghost."

The teens dove into the cold, dark water desperately swimming in the direction Cap'n Wacky pointed, hoping to reach safety.

Back on the ship, Cap'n Wacky's loyal boatswain, Scurvy, approached the Cap'n as he folded up an old sheet.

"Don't fold that old thing up," said Cap'n Wacky. "Now that it's got holes in it, it's useless."

"Aye sir," said Scurvy. "Say, Cap'n, why did you do it."

"It was for their own good," said Cap'n Wacky. "The docks are no place for young teens to hang out at night. A stern lecture doesn't work with these kids today, but a good dose of terror always will."

"Oh," said Scurvy. "Yer a strange man, Cap'n, if ye don't mind me sayin'."

"Well, after yer out at sea so long, it'll do strange thing to yer

head," Cap'n Wacky explained.

"We've only been out a few hours," Scurvy pointed out.

"Sometimes that's long enough," said Cap'n Wacky.

"And we grabbed those two before we even left," the boatswain went on.

"Shut up, Scurvy," ordered the Cap'n. "Besides, they'll be safer now."

"IF they survive the swim to shore," added Scurvy.

"Right," said the Cap'n.

And the two sailors enjoyed a hearty laugh about that.