Remember the days of yesteryear when the Fourth of July meant more than just blowing things up? It meant community togetherness, family gatherings, patriotism, simple joys, AND blowing things up. We at Amalgamated Humor remember those days. That's why every Fourth of July, we sponsor An Old-Fashioned Fourth in the small town that is the home of our corporate headquarters. For those of you planning to attend or those who wish you could, we thought we'd post the schedule of events. Sure, some little details may not be %100 traditional, but we think we've got the spirit down right.

9 a.m., Town Square: Sousapalooza.
Local High School bandleader Mark Thyme leads high school band members, former high school band members, and a guy who taught himself the symbols in all the marches you'll want to hear (plus several more).

10:30 a.m., Outside City Hall: Stone a Commie.
This year we bring back this popular event from celebrations in the 1950s. The mayor, or some other high-placed local politician identifies someone they believe to be a communist (or communist sympathizer). Patriotic townspeople then gather round and hurl stones at them. The first person to hit the Pinko in the head wins one of Gertie Wilson's scrumptious apple pies. Yum!

11 a.m., Sheky Field: Civil War Reenactment
Sure, we could've reenacted a famous battle, the surrender at Appomatax, or the Gettysburg Address, but we decided to do something you won't see anywhere else. Bring the kids for fun and education as we re-enact Civil War amputations, all done in traditional costume and using the correct period surgical tools.

11:30 a.m. - 3 p.m., Flimminhoffer Middle School: Ethnic Food Fest
Taste bland, Americanized versions of specialty dishes from around the world. See cooks and servers dressed in caricatures of foreign dress that nobody actually wears anymore. Laugh at the customs of others while forgetting that your ancestors came from somewhere else too.

11:45 a.m. (repeats every 45 min.), Rialto Theater: "Get 'Em Boys!"- Patriotic Shorts of WWII
Amalgamated Humor didn't just make novelty items for our boys in World War II. They also produced several short films to get folks on the homefront behind the war effort. This program features the best of these works: "Joy Buzzers for Combat," "Two Hungry Guys Join Up," "Two Hungry Guys Make the Sargeant Very Angry," "Bombs Away, Two Hungry Guys" and the Academy Award-nominated 1945 cartoon "Dresden Go Der Boom!"

1p.m., Ichabod Lancaster Park: Three-legged Race
Thankfully, our good friend Judge Francis White determined that our refuse wasn't responsible, but there sure are a lot of kids born with three legs in our home town. Boy, do they look forward to strutting their stuff at this annual race. Come on out and gawk at them, won't you?

2 p.m., Capín Wacky Avenue: Parade
Locals businesses and organizations are encouraged to build their own floats for fun and competition in this event. Whichever float bests conveys the spirits and ideals of Amalgamated Humor wins a $5 gift certificate.

Day-long event: WWII Remembered.
To commemorate the events of the Second World War, all locals of Asian lineage will be rounded up and locked in the high school gymnasium.

6:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. - Midge Memorial Field: Annual Charity Softball Game
Yes, its the fine constabulatory of our fair town playing the executive staff of Amalgamated Humor. Get your biannual glimpse of the presidents of our most distinguished corporate benefactor as they coach from their limousines. Will they keep up their twenty-six year winning streak? Who knows, but our money's not on the boys in blue!

10:00 p.m.- Display Grounds, Amalgamated Humor Main Plant: Amalgamated Humor's Fireworks Spectacular-
Due to increased safety concerns, rising insurance costs and complaints from parents that the traditional fireworks show may be too violent for children there won't be a regular show this year. Instead, we will instead be showing a video on the AH:2000 JumboTron, (traditionally used to show Amalgamated Humor promotional material 24 hours a day), of the Young Americans For Freedom Choir with their stunning synchronized red,white and blue flashlight routine. Fun for all!