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Election Story Archive |
Status quo restored as recount shows win for original mascot
By Al Vardo
Aff-Stay Eporter-Ray
December 29, 2000
It's official- Cap'n Wacky has been reinstated as the official mascot of Amalgamated Humor, Inc. and it's online presence, www.capnwacky.com.
Security guards stand watch over the WackyRent (a wholly-owned subsidiary of Amalgamated Humor, Inc. Call 1-800-WACKYVAN for franchise opportunities in your area) van hired to drive the 43 votes around the block and back to the Amalgamated Humor offices. |
In a recount of votes ordered by the Supreme Internet High Council of Intelligence before it's holiday recess, Amalgamated Humor officials determined that the venerable old sailor had, in fact beaten his rival, Cap'n Shifty, 18 votes to 11. Shifty, in fact, even finished behind third party candidate and giant head of cabbage, Kraut King, who received 14 votes.
"Whoops," stated official vote-counter/head mail clerk Gordy Schwartz. "Apparently I counted Shifty's votes twice the first time. Look, I had a lot of mail to sort later that day. Like it made a big freaking difference anyway."
As soon as the announcement was made, Cap'n Wacky started making preparations for his reinaugration on January 19, 2001
"I've been meeting with advisors, and will be setting up my transition team within the next week," Wacky said. "Also, I'm going to ask the man at the bank if I can have my boat back, now that I'm working again."
The man who only holds the mascot position for the next two weeks, Cap'n Shifty, had bitter words for his rival.
"Why that two-timing scurvy-ridden scalawag!," Shifty yelled in a press conference. "That moron almost ran this site into the ground! We were this close to finally getting the mobster.com section going, and now it's going to be ruined by that- that- half-wit!"
The question on everyone's mind is whether old features under Cap'n Wacky's previous administration, such as eGad and the Art Bypass, will return.
"All of your old friends will be returning- JimmiCam, reader postcards, and eGad," said Amalgamated Humor VP of Public Relations Gary Newbrunswick. "Even those damn cards with the smart-ass cracks we do every damn holiday."
"Even the cards," he added, with a heavy sigh.
But what about the features instituted under Shifty's reign?
"The comix are probably staying, but we can't discuss matters concerning that British pop bottle thing," said a tight-lipped Cap'n Wacky.
"British? Pop bottle? Good thing those poop machines are paying me plenty, or else I'd quit the whole thing," columnist Zonar the Superion said in a phone interview. "Oh no! Did Zonar just say too much? Did he let slip some important trifle of information? Well, mercy me! Be sure you get the scarcasm across there, boy."