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    • Back to
    Election
    Story
    Archive

    The Public Wants To Know!

    Candidate's Medical Records Released

    *For Immediate Release*

    Due to public pressue to see if the candidates for Amalgamated Humor Corporate mascot and host of www.capnwacky.com were physically capable of fulfilling their duties, both incumbant (Cap'n Wacky) and the challanger (Cap'n Shifty) both released their medical records this week. Here are the highlights:


    Cap'n Wacky
    July, 1950 - New liver.
    August, 1967 - Got the Hippy Hippy Shakes.
    November, 1972 - Stomach had to be replaced following Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola incident.
    November, 1975 - New liver.
    September, 1977 - After seeing "Star Wars" for the 350th time, has an aneurism while
    trying to use The Force.
    February, 1984 - Every time he says goodbye he cries a little.
    May, 1984 - Cosmetic surgery: has bellybutton resculpted.
    October, 1987 - New liver.
    June, 1988 - Heart replaced by little hamster in a wheel.
    March, 1992 - On a bet, goes a month subsisting only on rum and pretzels. This was the
    healthiest he has ever eaten.
    August, 1999 - Contracts a nasty case of html.
    December, 1999 - Receives cybernetic liver.
    January, 2000 - Discovers cybernetic liver not Y2K compliant.
    January, 2000 - Discovers pants not Y2K compliant.
    Cap'n Shifty
    January, 1985 - Hangnail