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Election Story Archive |
By Al Vardo
In an effort to move past the turbulence that marked this years' Amalgamated Humor, Inc. mascot election, loser-turned-winner Cap'n Wacky has begun to rebuild his administration.
The old salt has put together his transition team, and hopes to have a cabinet in place in time for his January 19 re-inauguration.
Though most details are being kept secret, sources confirm that transition consultant Eldin W. Sheldrake has been meeting with Cap'n Wacky over the last two weeks.
Sheldrake has worked on several mascot transitions, including Mr. Salty Pretzel in 1980 and the recent comeback of Quisp. He was also an advisor in the Tony the Tiger administration for over two decades.
Experts aren't sure how much help the veteran mascot consultant will be to the Wacky team.
"Sure he has loads of experience," said Canfield University Political Science professor Steven Foster. "But it's all in snack and breakfast foods. It'll be interesting to see how he handles something like the mascot of a home for retired sailors...Oh, a humor website? Hm. If you say so."
Outgoing cap'n Cap'n Shifty had his own views on the process.
"A cabinet and transition team?" the deposed mascot bellowed. "What the hell does he need a cabinet for? He was gone what? Two months? He didn't have a cabinet before! I didn't have one! What transition?!? He just shows up at work that day and I hand him the keys to his office! Moron! Ahr!"
When asked if he'd then be aiding the Cap'n's transition to power, he gave a withering glance and stomped off.
A memo, purported to be smuggled out of the transition team offices, outlines some possible picks for positions within the Wacky organization.
-Secretary of Movies and Snacks: Hairy Knavel
"See, now what they've done here is smart," said Professor Foster. "They're definitely trying to reach out to Shifty supporters by installing some of his people in power. Now, I'm pretty sure Bob Crane is dead, though, so I have no idea what the heck that one's all about."
When pressed, Amalgamated Humor officials would neither confirm nor deny any pending appointments.
"Now, boys, you know I can't tell you anything about Mr. Brockie's recent drunken spree through Vegas, or the paternity suit from the showgirl at the Luxor," said Amalgamated Humor VP or Public Relations Gary Newbrunswick. "So no more questions about that, okay?"
When informed by an assistant that, in fact, no reporters had asked about that subject, Newbrunswick blanched then left the room quickly. Loud yelling could be heard for several minutes afterward.
Political Wordsmith
January 5, 2001
Will these brave souls help Wacky lead Amalgamated Humor, Inc. into the next milennium?
-Secretary of Ailen Affairs: Zonar the Superion
-Secretary of Mail: Gordon "Gordy" Schwartz
-Secretary of Fluffiness and Purring: Mr. Ticklepaws
-Secretary of Labor: Guy Who Looks Like a Fish, But Other Than That is Just a Regular Guy (At Least Pretty Much)
-Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff: Bob Crane