Next month, The Amalgablog celebrates it's first anniversary. Yep, I've already been working here at Amalgamated Humor for one whole year. Hard to believe, really. Time sure flies when you're having fun, and apparently time still flies anyway.
I think everyone has forgotten about this weblog. I'm pretty sure that none of my co-workers read it anymore, if, in fact, anyone ever did. I think I'll test this theory by publicly airing the dirty laundry of several of my co-workers. If I don't hear from anyone about this, I'll know I'm just a tree falling in the forest over here.
COMPANY CO-PRESIDENT, MR. WHITE
All the stories you've heard about Mr. White being a tough boss and a bit of a mean-spirited S.O.B. are completely true, but here's something else that I've also heard is true: Every Monday afternoon he watches the Judy Garland vehicle "Meet Me In St. Louis" alone in his office and every single time he ends up sobbing like an orphaned kitty.
COMPANY CO-PRESIDENT, MR. BROCKIE
Mr. Brockie is confused by the "five second rule" that states food accidentally dropped on the floor can still be eaten if it's retrieved within five seconds. He heard this rule once and has somehow misinterpreted it to mean that all food should be placed on the floor for five seconds before being consumed. So he does this. All the time. Watching him eat a bag of M&Ms starts out being hilarious before moving to heartbreaking and then finally just annoying.
VP OF PUBLIC RELATIONS, GARY NEWBRUNSWICK
Keeps his mustache clippings in hermetically-sealed baggies in the storage space in his condo. Hopes to one day make a Gary-stache sweater for a special lady friend. He's stored enough for at least 7 sweaters, but is still looking for the special lady.
HUMAN RESOURCES HEAD, DOLLY SAUNDERS
While apparently entirely free of any discriminatory tendencies based on race, religion, gender, or really even qualification, Dolly does have irrational fear and hatred of freckles. Apparently, while she knows this isn't actually true, she can't help but feel that freckles are contagious and that if she hires someone with an excessive amount of them, they'll eventually migrate to other employees until everyone here is sporting spotting faces until they finally come for Dolly herself. Also, I think she believes the freckles control their host-body's mind.
MAILROOM CHIEF, GORDON "GORDY" SCHWARTZ
As a boy, Gordy appeared on the album "Schlomo Rosenbaum Conducts Little Singing Momzers" as lead tenor on "My Yiddishe Momme." You can still find copies if you really look, they have one hidden in the mail room that they take out and play when Mr. Schwartz has the day off. It started out as a joke, but they found his voice so heartbreaking that now they just love listening to it.
MR. BROCKIE'S BODYGUARDS, ROCKO AND TINY
Like everyone else, Rocko and Tiny have forgotten which of them is which.
LOADING DOCK MUSCLE/THUNDER GOD, THOR
So gay.
SECRETARY TO THE PRESIDENTS, RANDI VA VOOM
Has told several co-workers that she's only pretending to be dumb and ditzy so that she can take notes on Mr. White and Mr. Brockie's behavior and one day write a scorching tell-all book about what it's like to work for Amalgamated Humor. Further investigation reveals she probably really is just dumb and ditzy.
OK, that ought to be enough to do it. If I'm still alive and working here in a month, I'll know for sure none of my co-workers are still reading this. See you in February (maybe).