Well, I've been working here at Amalgamated Humor, Inc. for about two months now, so I finally got to have my official orientation meeting with the Director of Human Resources, Dolly Saunders, this week.
This is my first job straight out of college, so I don't really have anything else to compare it to. Dolly assures me that it's fairly standard business procedure to give two days vacation after one year and then five days after five years. I guess I was more surprised that company health coverage is a special plan that only covers work done by one doctor, a Dr. Helmut Flimminhoffer and he's only available for appointments on Mondays since he spends the rest of the week pursuing personal scientific breakthroughs.
Dolly promises me this is also the sort of thing you would find at most companies of a comparable size. I suppose she would know better than I.
We got the official paperwork and contract signing out of the way in about 15 minutes and spent the next hour or so gossiping about our co-workers. Dolly has files on everybody here so she knows pretty much everyone's secrets, and she loves to share. For example, mailroom chief Gordy Shwartz is terrified of left-handed people and thinks they are out to murder him because of some article he wrote in the 60s. Marty Lurnlin in accounting listed three parents in his health form. Dolly assumed that one of these had to be a step-parent or something and pressed Marty to just identify his two biological parents. Marty responded that he had always been told and adamantly believed that all three of these people contributed to his conception and biological makeup. Dolly decided not to press the issue any further.
When Dolly told me that Ice Cream Truck drive Judy Marbles was once seen in the cafeteria eating from a plate that only contained two pounds of solid butter, I remarked that I was surprised that this even drew anyone's attention considering how many people in the company are alarmingly overweight. Dolly nodded in agreement and said she thought maybe something ought to be done about it. Still, what can you do?
Anyway, I just got out of the meeting a few minutes ago. I think I'll head down to the mailroom and try to shake hands with old man Shwartz using my left hand. Dolly says this will freak him out so much that he'll only wear teal clothing for two weeks and wash his hands 12 times an hour, both of which are somehow intended to protect him. Dolly is kind of fun.