Well, we're a month in and human resources exec Dolly Saunders' dream of getting everyone at Amalgamated Humor into better shape continues. So does everyone's hatred for me since they feel my offhand comment brought all this on.

Here are some of the new office nicknames for your humble blogger, Mr. Carter Winslow:

1. The Health Nut, which has evolved into:
2. Macadamia
3. Richard Simmons
4. Dr. Atkins
5. Dr. Asskins
6. Dr. Asskiss
7. Slimfast
8. Farter (which is just making fun of my name, I think, and not like I haven't heard that one before! Way to come up with the same clever put-down as THIRD GRADERS, geniuses!)

And these, of course, are just the ones that I'm hearing.

But enough, for now, about the health program thing. I'm sick of thinking about it. Fortunately, my supervisor, Gary Newbrunswick, never reads business-related e-mails. I think Gary actually uses e-mail pretty much the opposite of normal people. Anything anyone sends him about work is either deleted unread or just given the most cursory of glances, but the spam he reads. He reads almost every piece of spam e-mail he gets very closely. I'm starting to think maybe Gary has some problems that he's hoping the spam might be able to help him with. I'm not going to guess what it might be.

So anyway, Gary is still talking to me. I was chatting with him the other day about how I'm excited about the new Spider-Man movie coming out in a couple weeks because I used to read a lot of comics when I was a kid. And then Gary says, "Oh, you know who you might be interested to meet then? Thor works in our loading docks."

So I think he's joking, right? I'm thinking there must be some muscle-bound blond dude working down there that everyone calls Thor behind his back. But no. We go down there and there he is, The Mighty Thor. He even has the hammer hanging from his belt.

Here's our conversation (CW= Carter Winslow, me. GN=Gary Newbrunswick. T=Thor)

GN: Yo, Thor.

T: (Sets down big box full of cans of Fart Spray) Hail, Friend Gary. What brings you to the underworld that is the loading docks?

GN: Oh, I wanted you to meet my new assistant, Carter Winslow.

T: Well met, young Carter.

CW: Uh.... Hi. Nice to meet you.

(At this point we shook hands. I braced myself for him to totally crush my hand, but he was surprisingly kind of limp. Maybe he was just trying not to hurt me, I guess.)

GN: Busy down here today?

T: By Odin's beard! We're busier today than Hogun the Grim at a frowning contest.

(silence)

T: How about busier than Volstagg at an eating contest?

CW: Ha ha. Oh yeah! I get that one.

T: YES! Very mirthful! HA HA!

CW: Ha ha. Volstagg.

T: For he is fat!

GN: Yeah, so anyway, Carter was talking about how he was looking forward to the Spider-Man movie, so I thought he might want to meet you.

T: (stops smiling suddenly) Oh.

GN: Yeah, he really liked the first one.

T: It was OK, I guess.

CW: What?

T: Oh... nothing.

CW: You didn't like it?

T: No, no. It was good. Sam Raimi doth treat the source material with the reverence due fair Sif herself, but... sigh.

CW: No Thor movie?

T: No Thor movie. By the pounding feet of FIN FANG FOOM, there is even a Deathlock movie in pre-production!

CW: Who?

T: Exactly! Spider-Man, Daredevil, the Punisher, that stupid Hulk all get movies! Blade gets three movies! Now they be preparing the Fantastic Four, Man-Thing, and Ghost Rider!

CW: Really, Ghost Rider? Sweet!

T: But what of The Mighty Thor? I single-handedly repelled the invasion of The Lava Men, and yet now I must punch yon clock every day and haul crates of plastic vomit. I AM BETTER THAN THIS! I AM A TRUE ASGARDIAN BORN!

GN: Aren't you here because your father is making you learn humility?

T: Thor is better than all these ridiculous characters! Who wants to gaze for two hours on the twisted maw of The Man Thing when they could be looking at the chiseled and pleasing manly form of The God of Thunder? Look at my flowing locks of golden hair! Am I not the most attractive man your mortal eyes have ever beheld?

CW: Uh...

T: OF COURSE I AM! CURSE YOU, FATHER!!!!!!! Spider-Man is not fit to shine my helmet!

GN: OK, Thor. It's OK.

T: And how he treats his woman! Just get over yourself and take her, you foolish mortal! Thor would not hesitate to please her!

CW: Mary Jane? I think he's afraid some bad guys might come after her.

T: BAH! Send the Absorbing Man! Send an army of Skrulls! None would stand in the way of Thor getting some!

GN: OK, well we've got to be getting back to work now.

T: You want a real man, Kirsten, come on down to the loading docks!

GN: OK, goodbye.

T: I shall let you lift my hammer, sweet maiden!

GN: Say goodbye, Carter.

CW: Goodbye.

T: THOR IS THE SWEETEST PIECE OF MAN MEAT IN ALL OF MIDGARD!

(We leave.)

GN: He's going to be working here forever.

CW: At least until Ragnarok.

GN: What?

CW: Never mind.

Posted by carter at June 17, 2004 04:30 PM