I got in to work yesterday and fired up the ol' computer to learn that Dolly Saunders took some offhand comments I made during my orientation last month a tad more seriously than I did.
Here's the text of the e-mail:
FORM: DOLLY SAUNDERS
TO: ALL AMALGAMATED HUMOR CORP. HQ EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: Let's get healthy!!!
Hi, gang!!
I was recently chatting with new employee Carter Winslow (Gary Newbrunswick's new assistant in the PR department. Stop by and say "hi" if you haven't met him. He's the young man driving the blue VW Rabbit if you see him in the parking lot). Carter mentioned he was a bit alarmed by how many of his new co-workers here at Amalgamated Humor are grotesquely over-weight (maybe not his exact words, but that was the point).
I'm sorry to say I had to agree with Carter's assessment, though at the time we both took an "oh well, what can you do?" attitude about the whole thing. I've been thinking about it during the last month, though, and decided that maybe there is something I can do after all!!! I've cooked up a little plan and had it approved by Co-Presidents Mr. Brockie and Mr. White (on the condition that they are exempt) and am pleased to announce the beginning of the MILF (Mandatory Improved Living Focus) Program.
You'll notice several changes around the office already. All sweet and/or fatty foods have been taken out of the break room vending machines. Say goodbye to Snickers and Skittles and Ho Hos and Whatchamacallits and say hello to soy bars and dried yogurt cubes and unflavored rice cakes!!! Even the sugar for coffee is gone!
Starting tomorrow, we'll also have a ½ hour workout time at the start of each work day! Some days we'll do power-walking, some days we'll do crunchers, some days we'll push ups, and so on. Every day we'll be making ourselves fitter (and happier too!!)! Mr. White wouldn't let this eat into regular work time, so we'll be adding this (mandatory) half hour to the start of each day. See everyone at 7:30 tomorrow!!
I'm very excited about this!! Soon we'll all be happier, more productive, more attractive, and maybe Judy Marbles will even live to see her 35th birthday!!! Maybe Burt Lawson in Accounts Payable will finally be able to get a date!!
To kick things off, you'll see I've placed an apple on everyone's desk! Eat healthy! And remember, I'm not the only one to thank for it. Young Carter Winslow inspired it all!
healthily yours,
Dolly Saunders
By the time I returned to my car at the end of the day it was completely covered in bird crap. Why bird crap? Because there were so many birds on it all day. Why so many birds on it all day? Why, they were eating all the apples that had been smashed all over it, naturally.
Posted by carter at May 21, 2004 04:25 PM